Facebook, Friendship and the Trials of Seventh Grade

Her text came through at a moment that I wasn't ready to read it.

"You are isolating yourself again," it read. I glanced at it, ignored it, and moved on with my day. It's a pandemic, for goodness' sake. EVERYONE is isolating him or herself. There's no problem here.

Except, there was. There IS, really.

About two weeks ago, I decided to get the heck off facebook, for the most part. I found that watching people call each other names, watching bullying, watching the extreme ways in which we are willing to be keyboard warriors that shout and rant from the privacy and seclusion of our homes was taking a huge toll on me. Particularly on top of all the uncertainties with the pandemic. It was affecting the way I parent, how I do my job, which thoughts and voices I let set up shop in my head during the day. It was sucking time from my day and energy from my soul. It was distracting, disheartening and, most of all, paralyzing. 

But why? 

As I have slowly detoxed from that world, God has brought something sharply into focus for me: Seventh grade is still a big part of how I do life.

Seventh grade was 30 years ago. I really only remember small details of that period in my life. A lot of what I know about it is what my mom has told me. Apparently I cried. A lot. Probably more in that year than I have total in the 30 years since. I dreaded school.  I isolated myself because the risk of friendship became too painful. I had very few friends and basically none at school.That was the only year of my life where that was true. I have mostly loved school, craved learning. I was mocked for being smart, left to sit alone at lunchtimes. In recent days, I've started to remember how closely I watched the clock on the wall in the cafeteria, begging for free time to finish. It's made me wonder if my inability to sit peacefully in the now, to practice mindfulness and presence, is rooted in that wish for time to hurry up and finish then. I started my struggle with insomnia, a struggle I deal with to this day. I started running to dissipate the anger and sadness, a practice that has served me well, but has also sometimes taken the place of the hard work of lament and healing. 

Mostly, though, in this past week, it has become clear to me that the way I view female friendships, the way I retreat and isolate and keep to myself, is largely a product of that time. I don't trust women. I don't trust that they aren't gossiping. That they don't have nasty things to say behind my back or, honestly, straight to my face. Have I had some truly amazing friendships with women since 7th grade? Absolutely. However, do I assume those women are rare and unusual? I do. Do I avoid all women's ministry events at church? 100%. 

As I think about how I feel after I spend time scrolling or commenting, I recognize that facebook doesn't bring out the best in me. Nor in many of us, if we are honest. It reinforces my assumptions. It tightens and defines the boxes I have built. It allows me to villify and "other" people and it drives me inward. Bottom line, it usually makes me worship and focus on what I can do or say or believe much more clearly than who God is or what He is doing or saying. 

And that's a dangerous place for me to linger. 

Seventh grade still has power. But I don't want it to. I have never really sat down and hashed it out. I've never truly asked God to heal me of those deep wounds. To show me the ways I have let the pain of that year drive my relationships for 30 years now. So while I am grateful to facebook for unearthing how clearly that period still has power, I also know that it's time for a real and true break so I can lot God do the deep work of healing that He is clearly in the business of doing.

If you have been a friend I have pushed away, I truly apologize. If you have been a friend I have othered or vilified, may God reveal that to me so I can ask for forgiveness. If you have been a woman who has pursued me and tried to love me and been met with rejection, please know that I am working on this. I truly am. Part of what God has been showing me during this pandemic is who I truly am, in all the areas that are good and beautiful but also all the areas that still need growth.   

In the meantime, I'm going to sit back and breathe. Journal. Paint. Run. Speak with humans face to face. Stay pretty much off of social media. Garden. Try to find my laughter and smile. Love and serve the heck out of humans on my ambulance. Pursue my husband. Use my punching bag. Pull out the guitar. Have amazing conversations about justice and shalom and grace because those things give me life. And just ask God to heal. To reveal. To redeem. And to infuse my soul with hope that this pandemic WILL one day end and that I will come out of it stronger, kinder and a better friend. 

Tears in the Dark

It is 6 am in the morning.

You were up at 4:30 again because of the time change. I tried to rock you back to sleep but you were having none of it. I put you back in the crib and couldn't help checking the election results. I was way too tired yesterday to make it past 10 pm and went to bed nervous but hopeful.

I pulled up the screen and my heart flew into my throat. It happened. It actually happened.

And as I lay in the dark, now wide awake, listening to you protest your return to the crib, I tried to wrap my mind around the world you are growing up in.

But I can't.

So I padded quietly back down the hall and picked you up. We sat in the rocking chair, wrapped in a blanket together. I kissed your sweet, dark curls and let silent tears fall on them.

I am so sorry, little boy. So sorry.

So sorry that America isn't a safe place for you.

So sorry that sooner rather than later you are going to experience hate.

So sorry that you, my beautiful boy, are not going to be seen for who you are but for the threat you could possibly be.

So sorry that I can't protect you.

Even as you finally fell back to sleep and now lay peacefully ignorant of the way the world has gone mad, I can't stop crying. I don't know how to tell your brother when he wakes up. I don't know what he will hear today as he goes to school. I don't know how his friends of color will be treated today in the aftermath.

I know I should be saying something like "my hope is in the Lord" and my kingdom is not of this earth. Those are true statements.

But at least for today, I am going to mourn. I am going to lament with my friends who feel less safe today. I am going to choose to be kind and patient and not act in fear because I will not go low.  I am not interested in debating or arguing today.

I am going to continue to teach my children to love today. And do my best to do the same.

And starting tomorrow, I am going to pick myself back up and work my hardest to make sure that by the time my black sons are old enough to understand, things will have changed.

Diversifying Our Movie Shelf

We all grow up with our favorite movies- the ones that we remember bringing us comfort or teaching us some important lesson for the first time or the ones that we watched over and over at sleepovers with our best friends, memorizing every line and spontaneous dance number. (Yes, I grew up in the 80's.)

As we grow, maybe our tastes diversify a little in genre - we watch movies with more daring ratings, maybe we have friends with different backgrounds who introduce us to movies we've never seen. I think, though, with the way that Hollywood is, we need to be pretty intentional if we want to expose ourselves and our kids to movies with racially diverse casts, movies that do not have a white savior theme, movies that may tell us a different story of what life was and is really like in America.

As my oldest son is finally at the age to watch movies with deeper themes and questions, I recently polled friends on Facebook asking for help, which turned into a list I am excited to dive into. I also did some searches of my own to try to find some movies to add.

I broke the list into two main categories- General Movies and Historically Based Movies. These are all movies that someone deems appropriate for children and I've included their ratings, if they have one as well as their descriptions as found on IMDB or Amazon. I have not seen them all yet so please have grace if something is NOT actually a great movie to include. I'll continue to update the post as I see them if anything needs to be omitted.

Without further ado, here is what I have come up with. So far. It is by no means exhaustive. If you see a glaring omission, I would LOVE to hear from you in the comments section and will gladly and gratefully amend the post to reflect any missed movies.

Enjoy!

Children’s Movies with Diverse Casts

GENERAL MOVIES

Animated

UNRATED

Spirited Away (and all the Miyazaki movies) - ANIME - A wondrous fantasy about a young girl, Chihiro, trapped in a strange new world of spirits. When her parents undergo a mysterious transformation, she must call upon the courage she never knew she had to free herself and return her family to the outside world.

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron - Join Spirit, a wild young mustang, as he sets out on an action-packed quest against impossible odds to regain his freedom and save his homeland. In his courageous and thrilling journey across the majestic wilderness of the American frontier, Spirit forms a remarkable friendship with a young Lakota brave, outwits a relentless squadron of soldiers, and falls for a beautiful paint mare named Rain.

G RATED

The Emperor’s New Groove – G - Emperor Kuzco is turned into a llama by his ex-administrator Yzma, and must now regain his throne with the help of Pacha, the gentle llama herder.

My Neighbor Totoro – G - Follow the adventures of Satsuki and her four-year-old sister Mei when they move into a new home in the countryside. To their delight, they discover that their new neighbor is a mysterious forest spirit called Totoro -- who can be seen only through the eyes of a child. Totoro introduces them to extraordinary characters -- including a cat that doubles as a bus! -- and takes them on an incredible journey.

Brother Bear- G- When a young Inuit hunter needlessly kills a bear, he is magically changed into a bear himself as punishment with a talkative cub being his only guide to changing back

Princess and the Frog – G - A waitress, desperate to fulfill her dreams as a restaurant owner, is set on a journey to turn a frog prince back into a human being, but she has to face the same problem after she kisses him.

Mulan – G - To save her father from death in the army, a young maiden secretly goes in his place and becomes one of China's greatest heroines in the process.

PG RATED

Lilo & Stitch – PG - A Hawaiian girl adopts an unusual pet who is actually a notorious extra-terrestrial fugitive from the law.

Big Hero 6 –PG -  The special bond that develops between plus-sized inflatable robot Baymax, and prodigy Hiro Hamada, who team up with a group of friends to form a band of high-tech heroes.

Non-Animated

UNRATED

Polly – TV Movie- An musical adaptation of the book "Pollyanna" set in the 1950's in which an orphan tries to use gladness to unite the people in a small southern town

Cinderella (Disney Rogers and Hammerstein Version) – TV  Movie- Updated version of the classic Rodgers and Hammerstein musical of the classic fairy-tale, with an all-star, multi-racial cast.

The Tap Dance Kid – TV Show- Eight year old wants to be a tap dancer like his uncle.

The Way Home – (Korean w/ subtitles) – Seven-year-old Sang-woo is left with his grandmother in a remote village while his mother looks for work. Through his grandmother’s boundless patience and devotion, he learns to embrace empathy, humility and the importance of family.

Coyote Waits- TV Movie- Two tribal cops uncover a plot involving a lost fortune, an historical artifact and a mythical Coyote on a Navajo reservation.

G-RATED

The Wiz – G - An adaption of "The Wizard of Oz" that tries to capture the essence of the African American experience.

PG-RATED

Spy Kids – PG – The children of secret-agent parents must save them from danger.

Like Mike – PG – When a hoops-loving fourteen year old with a dream to play in the NBA finds a mysterious pair of old sneakers, he makes the leap from playground hijinks to superstardom.

My Lucky Elephant –PG- Shot on location in the jungles of Thailand, this action adventure focuses on an orphan boy and his relationship with an abandoned elephant named Lucky. Together they overcome one adversity after another to survive, ultimately succeeding when Lucky charms everyone and becomes the star painter at an Elephant's Art Academy.

The Watsons Go to Birmingham –PG - The film chronicles the ordinary interactions and everyday routines of the Watsons, an African American family living in Flint, Michigan, and how they are drastically changed after they go to visit Grandma in Alabama in the summer of 1963.

Annie (new version) –PG -  A foster kid who lives with her mean foster mom sees her life change when business tycoon and New York mayoral candidate Will Stacks makes a thinly-veiled campaign move and takes her in.

Akeelah and the Bee – PG - A young girl from South Los Angeles tries to make it to the National Spelling Bee.

Karate Kid (new version) – PG - Work causes a single mother to move to China with her young son; in his new home, the boy embraces kung fu, taught to him by a master.

Space Jam – PG - Michael Jordan agrees to help the Looney Toons play a basketball game vs. alien slavers to determine their freedom.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island – PG - Sean Anderson partners with his mom's husband on a mission to find his grandfather, who is thought to be missing on a mythical island.

Daddy Day Care – PG - Two men get laid off and have to become stay-at-home dads when they can't find jobs. This inspires them to open their own day-care center.

Corrina, Corrina – PG – When Manny Singer’s wife dies, his young daughter Molly becomes mute and withdrawn. To help cope with looking after Molly, he hires sassy housekeeper Corrina Washington, who coaxes Molly out of her shell and shows father and daughter a whole new way of life. 

Sister Act 2 – PG – Deloris Van Cartier is again asked to don the nun’s habit to help a run-down Catholic school, presided over by Mother Superior. And if trying to reach out to a class full of uninterested students wasn’t bad enough, the sisters discover that the school is due to be closed by the unscrupulous local authority chief, Mr. Crisp.

Linsanity – PG - The life story of basketball sensation, Jeremy Lin.

PG-13 MOVIES

Dr. Doolittle –  PG-13 - A Doctor finds out that he can understand what animals are saying. And the animals find out that he understands.

Whale Rider – PG-13 - A small Maori village faces a crisis when the heir to the leadership of the Ngati Konohi dies at birth and is survived only by his twin sister, Pai. Although disregarded by her grandfather and shunned by the village people, twelve-year-old Pai remains certain of her calling and trains herself in the ways and customs of her people. With remarkable grace, Pai finds the strength to challenge her family and embraces a thousand years of tradition in order to fulfill her destiny.

Smoke Signals- PG-13 – Young Indian man Thomas is a nerd in his reservation, wearing oversize glasses and telling everyone stories no one wants to hear. His parents died in a fire in 1976 and Thomas was saved by Arnold. Arnold soon left his family and his tough son Victor and Victor hasn’t seen his father for 10 years. When Victor hears Arnold has died, Thomas offers him funding for the trip to get Arnold’s remains but only if Thomas will also go with him. Thomas and Victor hit the road.

Remember the Titans - PG-13 - The true story of a newly appointed African-American coach and his high school team on their first season as a racially integrated unit.

Historically Based Movies

Ruby Bridges –  TV Movie – The true story of Ruby Bridges, an African-American girl who, in 1960 at age 6, helped integrate the all-white schools of New Orleans.

Selma Lord Selma – TV Movie- In 1965 Alabama, an 11 year old girl is touched by a speech by Martin Luther King, Jr. and becomes a debout follower. But her resolution is tested when she joins others in the famed march from Selma to Montgomery.

Our Friend Martin – TV Movie – This is the story of a black teenager named Miles who has to go on a class field trip to the museum of learning what Martin Luther King, Jr. did for humanity, he thinks that he’d rather play baseball. But the trip turns into an exciting adventure when he and his best friend, Randy, who is white, are sent back in time, meeting Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. at several points during his life.

Heroes of Freedom: Stories of Harriet Tubman and Rosa Parks – Educational Video – summary unavailable

Race to Freedom: The Underground Railroad – TV Movie-  A number of slaves risk their lives to escape their masters with their only help coming from the famous secret slave escape network.

March On and More Stories About African American History – INCLUDES 4 SHOWS –

MARCH ON!: THE DAY MY BROTHER MARTIN CHANGED THE WORLD (Written by Dr. Christine King Farris, illustrated by London Ladd, narrated by Lynn Whitfield) Martin Luther King Jr. s sister travels back to 1963 to present a personal, stirring account of the remarkable day when Dr. King delivered his I HAVE A DREAM Speech.

MARTIN S BIG WORDS (Written by Doreen Rappaport, illustrated by Bryan Collier, narrated by Michael Clarke Duncan) Using quotes from some of his beloved speeches, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. comes to life in this profound and important biography about beliefs and dreams and following one s heart.

ROSA (Written and narrated by Nikki Giovanni, illustrated by Bryan Collier) On December 1, 1955, Rosa Parks boarded a Montgomery, Alabama city bus and refused to give up her seat to a white man, an act that ignited a revolution and changed history.

HENRY S FREEDOM BOX: A TRUE STORY FROM THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD (Written by Ellen Levine, illustrated by Kadir Nelson, narrated by Jerry Dixon) The powerful true story of a young slave who mails himself to freedom.

Eyes on the Prize- NR -  Eyes on the Prize tells the definitive story of the civil rights era from the point of view of the ordinary men and women whose extraordinary actions launched a movement that changed the fabric of American life, and embodied a struggle whose reverberations continue to be felt today. Winner of numerous awards, Eyes on the Prize is the most critically acclaimed documentary on civil rights in America.

4 Little Girls – Documentary - A documentary of the notorious racial terrorist bombing of an African American church during the Civil Rights Movement.

Harriet Tubman : Inspiring Animated Heroes – True story of Harriet Tubman’s involvement in the underground railroad, helping to free 300 slaves.

The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman –PG -  Story of a black woman in the South who was born into slavery in the 1850s and lives to become a part of the civil rights movement in the 1960s.

Having Our Say: The Delaney Sisters First One Hundred Years – TV Movie- Tells the story of Sadie and Bessie Delany, two African-American sisters who both lived past the age of 100.

Betty and Coretta - TV Movie- The widows of Martin Luther King and Malcolm X and how they carry on as single mothers after the assassination of their husbands.

The Rosa Parks Story – TV Movie- The story of the civil rights heroine whose refusal to obey racial bus segregation was just one of her acts in her fight for justice.

Polly Comin’ Home – TV Movie - Broadway style songs are used to tell this interesting story of an ingenious orphan who gets involved in matchmaking and striving for inter-racial understanding in 1956 Alabama.

Geronimo: An American Legend – PG-13 –The story of the apache chief and his armed resistance to the US Government’s subjugation of his people.

What I Wish I Didn't Have To Tell You

My Darling Boy,

It's your first birthday this week. We made it! That first year is so hard, kid. Sleepless nights, feedings round the clock, no personal space or time for your mama, older brother adjusting, dog in panic mode again with a little one around. It's been good and hard. The way that first year should be.

Like most parents, I've tried to treasure this year even as I've wondered what will come next. What will your personality be like? Which sports will you try and which instruments might you play? Will you like to read or prefer math or maybe both? Will you like to work with your hands or be a visual artist or dancer? Who will you be?

But son, in the wake of recent news, there are bigger questions I have right now.

How, in the name of God, will we as white parents teach you how to be a black man in this America? An America that claims to be post-racist but will target you as inferior from the get-go. An America with systems set up to make you seem suspicious, to assume failure, to promote fear of you. To hire people who will assume the worst of you because you might listen to hip-hop or wear a hoodie or walk alone in a neighborhood that is predominantly white or get behind the wheel of a car and dare to drive somewhere or play with a toy gun in public.

Who will not look at you as an image-bearer of God but a thug or a hoodlum or a troublemaker.

How, in the name of God, will we ever understand what you will feel like when these things happen? How will we help you understand? I may have been teased or underestimated or harassed as a woman. But you, my son, if things don't change, you will be in danger.

I remember the moment I realized how truly different raising you would be. I sat across a table from a Black friend at a coffee shop. She told me that she had to tell her teenage son not to drive too slowly. Not to wear a hoodie in the car. To always, always be as compliant as possible if pulled over. To keep his hands visible. To make no trouble. To be lessened, somehow. About how she worried when he was out. How she knew he would not be treated fairly. This was all before you came home, son. This was early in our process when we were trying to figure out if we could do this. Should we do this. Unfortunately, transracial adoption is not as simple as love. You will need more from us.

So, son, in the wake of continual news that has rendered me speechless and grieving, I promise you this. We will not stay silent. We will not whitewash your history. We will not pretend things are fine and good. We will not celebrate colorblindness. We will continue to teach your white brother about racism and the horrific history of our country in the hopes that he will be a voice for justice. Not just for you, but for all. We will teach you things we wish we didn't have to say. Oh sweet, innocent boy, I wish these were things we wouldn't have to say.

They shouldn't have to be.

Son, you are only one. You are still young. And because I believe in a God who wants justice more than any of us, I will also hope. Hope for deep change. Hope that this new wave of protests, that words uttered now and in the coming months will stir hearts, will unite believers and unbelievers alike to speak up for the oppressed, will ignite change in this country, will cause repentance and anger and grief. I will choose hope, even as I choose honesty. Even as I prepare for what I will say to you. Even as I try to explain Michael and Eric and Trayvon and Tamir to your brother.

Maybe by the time we start to talk about it change will be in the works. Honestly, I doubt it. But I have to hope - as a mother, as a daughter of God, as someone who cannot imagine that anyone will ever look on you with any feelings other than deep love. I have to choose hope.

So, darling boy, I ask in advance for grace. I will get it wrong. Dad will get it wrong. We can never truly understand. But son, we will ask for help along the way. We will apologize often. We will listen well to you and never discount your experiences. We will choose to live in communities who will talk about this and try to live it out, who will never separate the gospel from God's good work of justice. We will do our best to prepare you for what's ahead and we will stand beside you and behind you as you face it, knowing that God goes before us all and loves you more deeply than I can ever imagine.

Love,
Mama

The "Kids and Race" Conversation

A few weeks ago I shared about why I feel it's so important, really crucial, to choose to intentionally educate our children about ethnicity and culture. A number of people responded really enthusiastically in agreement but wondered where exactly to start. I am by no means an expert, but here is a list of what I have done and am continuing to do for my own individual growth and understanding as well as in learning to educate my family.

(1) Start with yourself. If you are uncomfortable talking about ethnicity and race, you won't get anywhere with your child. Seek to understand your own background, your own culture. Read books about stories different from your own. Watch movies that teach you about different ways of life. And this may be the most obvious thing in the world, but ask yourself "Does my immediate world only look like me?" What ethnicities are represented in your church? Do you have close friends who are people of color, the kind of friends with whom hard conversations can happen and the friendship will actually deepen? Who are your neighbors? What does your child's school look like? His teachers and principal? Her doctors and dentists? His friends? Sports teams and clubs? You may need to make intentional choices to have more diverse surroundings in your life.

(2) Learn to listen. As a white person, some of my biggest hurdles were in learning to hear and believe what my friends were telling me. I wanted to solve it, deny it, wallow in grief about it, but I had to stop reacting and just listen. Just sit with them in it. I had to learn their stories, see which experiences had contributed to who they were to even begin to come to grips with my own voice in this great conversation. Be quick to listen and slow to defend.

(3) Embrace your child's observations. Your children may notice differences in skin color or hair texture or how someone talks. Rather than shushing them and telling them we are "all the same" or it's wrong to notice those things, ask them questions. Well, what color is his skin? What color is your skin? What does this hair feel like? Do you know that there are places where people speak languages other than English? Do yo know that you speak English? What countries can we find on the map? Do you know that your ancestors didn't grow up here and came from other countries like these? Kids love questions, they love trying to answer them and they will ask you 100 more for each one you answer.

(4) Intentionally grow your library. If you are like me, your child's library is full of favorite books you owned as a child, of gifts you've been given by others and by the occasional book your child has actually picked our him or herself. What would it look like if you asked friends of yours with different backgrounds what some of their favorite books were in childhood? Or scoured the internet for lists of books with protagonists that look different from your child or you? Check out some of those books from the library, find your favorites and put them on birthday and Christmas lists. Your child's library should be a picture of the fullness of the ethnic story.

(5) Find ways to celebrate and explore culture. Many of us live in or near cities that are actively promoting cultural conversation. Print out your city's annual civic calendar. Is there an Irish festival coming up? Go ahead and check it out and enjoy the dancing and soda bread. What about a Chinese New Year celebration? Or an African Arts Festival? Vary up your family activities - these types of activities will only increase your child's exposure and give them more opportunities to ask good questions and experience, quite frankly, a lot of fun and food they might not otherwise have had.

(6) Have international nights at home. Wouldn't it be a neat thing to choose one night a week or a month and have an international night? Pick a country and find it on the map, have your children do some coloring or decorating in the colors of its flag, make a meal from that locale, learn to say "hello", "goodbye" and "I love you" in that language. Invite some friends to do this with you- maybe even take turns hosting this with a bunch of families. Geography, culture and good food all in one. Easy win.

(7) Don't just go with America's race conversation timeline. Our education system has relegated the appreciation of certain backgrounds to specific months of the year. If we only celebrate those backgrounds during that month, though, what does that teach our children? That white is normal and everyone else gets one month of thought. Don't just wait until February to talk about black history. Learn enough about it that it becomes a part of American History in your household. Read books like "Heart and Soul" by Kadir Nelson so your kids begin to understand the bigger story. Don't just talk about Native Americans at Thanksgiving and please do not play into the legends our country has built around it, the ways we've whitewashed a great injustice. Learn the real stories of Columbus and the early explorers. Dig deeper and teach truth in age-appropriate ways. Your kids can handle it and will thank you later for your honesty.

(8) Open up your experience of God. I grew up in a middle class, white, northeastern town. Most of the people in my church had Italian or Irish backgrounds and had been raised in Catholic households. As such, I had a specific experience of God molded in that context - one that concentrated on love and holiness. By leaving the north and going to Virginia, I saw a different view of God and how to approach him, one that centered more on grace. When I began going to Gospel Choir concerts and then joined an inner city church and was trained as a worship leader, I saw yet again a different view of God and what it looked like to worship him, one that emphasized his love of freedom and deliverance. All these experiences have deepened and broadened my understanding of who He is and the story he tells. If I only ever worship where I am initially comfortable, I am not just closing myself off to learning more about others but I'm honestly telling God I don't need to know as much about him. That may sound harsh, but I believe it to be true. Teach your children songs that praise him in non-English languages, help them learn to enjoy music written by his people that may not be playing on your local Christian station or be on CCLI's top 10 list that week. I promise you, you'll thank me for it.

(9) Teach your kids to listen. This will flow out of our own good listening. I don't know about you, but I want to raise children who like the sound of other's voices. Who want to ask good questions and then quiet down and listen to the answers rather than children who will compete with others for who can tell the best story about themselves, who are staying quiet through an answer only to formulate their own story in response. Our American tendency is to one-up each other, to love the sound of our own voice and trumpet it freely. I am guilty of this myself. But what would it look like to raise people who cared about other people, who legitimately wanted to know each other's stories and celebrate them, mourn with them, encourage them? Wouldn't that set them up much better to believe the injustice they hear about and be allies in overcoming it?

(10) Give yourself and others grace. There is no one right way to talk about all this. You will fail. You won't have answers. You may even teach your kid the wrong terminology and you will find yourself embarrassed along the way. Your may even unintentionally offend someone. It's ok. Ask for forgiveness, find out how you could have done it differently and then keep going. The important thing is to give it a try. Get to know yourself, your family, your background. Get to know your neighborhood, your schools and places of worship. Get to know your child and his or her unique ways of approaching the world and help them learn how to have these conversations. Never be afraid to ask questions. Look for conversation opportunities in your kids experiences. Make sure your kids know that it is safe to ask you any questions they may have. Be patient with yourself and take your time. You can't educate your child in a single conversation. Don't spent a week reading every book you can get your hands on and tire yourself out. Just slowly, intentionally and honestly weave this as an important conversation into your family's life. As with anything, the more something is just a part of your everyday language, the more the people around you (including your children) believe it to be an integral value in your life.

Here is a list of resources that have helped (or are helping me right now!) along the way. They are by no means exhaustive and I encourage you to follow the links in the articles provided within them and continue to explore.  Some of them relate to faith and race and others are more general. I find new things to read all the time. If you have resources to suggest, PLEASE share them in the comments! I would greatly appreciate it.

Understanding the Issue Yourself

ARTICLES

• What is modern racism?  

• A Plea to Engage in Racial Reconciliation

• Why You Shouldn't Be Color Blind

• Why Being Colorblind Is Impossible

• What White Southerners Can Learn From Frederick Douglass

• The Church's Race Problem

BOOKS

"Being White: Finding Our Place in a Multiethnic World" by Harris and Schaupp

• If you are white, I suggest reading this book to help you understand your own ethnic background and culture. White people so often just default to thinking we are "normal Americans" and everyone else has a special culture. It's so crucial that we don't do that. 

Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria by Tatum

More Than Equals by Rice and Perkins

Nurture Shock by Bronson and Merriman

The Myth of the Model Minority by Chou and Feagin

Black Man's Religion by Usry and Keener

One Church, Many Tribes by Twiss 

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee by Brown

Bridges of Reconciliation: It's All About Grace by Farrant and Farrant

Following Jesus Without Dishonoring Your Parents by Yep, Jao, Tokunaga, Cha and Cho Van Riesen

Divided by Faith:Evangelical Religion and the Problem of Race in America by Emerson and Smith

  

Talking to your Children About Race

ARTICLES

Let’s Talk to Our Children About Race

Resources for talking to your Children About Race 

How to Get to Sesame Street 

  

Children’s Books - Some of these intentionally talk about race and others are just good books that depict diverse characters and honor the values of learning and cultural celebration. I have read a lot of them and am currently reading the others!

Preschool

The Colors of Us by Karen Katz

The Skin You Live In by Michael Tyler

A Rainbow of Friends by PK Hallinan

We’re Different, We’re the Same by Sesame Street

God's Dream by Tutu and Abrams
Chocolate Me by Taye Diggs
Whoever You Are by Mem Fox

Grade School

The Story of Ruby Bridges by Coles

National Geographic Kids: Martin Luther King, Jr.

We March by Shane W. Evans

Dave the Potter by Hill and Collier

Heart and Soul by Kadir Nelson
Under the Same Sun by Sharon Robinson
Henry Aaron's Dream by Matt Tavares

I am Rosa Parks by Rosa Parks and Jim Haskins
Almond Cookies and Dragon Well Tea by Chin-Lee
Black is Brown is Tan by Adoff

Responding to the Colorful Truth

About a week ago I posted about my intention and, really, my responsibility to teach my children about ethnicity and racism. To raise them differently than I grew up, in the colorblind, mixing bowl glory of the 80's. A number of friends responded with a deep desire to learn and to start building up their own resources.  I'm sure there were people who disagreed with me, who say that talking about race is not helping anything, although none stepped forward. Most striking to me, though, was an email I received from my mom, a faithful reader of my blog and my longtime hero.

Here is what she wrote (with full permission to disclose):

"This was very enlightening.  I am sorry for raising you colorblind.  I guess it was my reaction to being raised with some prejudice.  And, to be honest, some of my choices for you in your youth were to prevent you from dealing with prejudice.  And even this year struggling a little with you possibly adopting a black child, only because I worried about what prejudice you would have to deal with.  Well, this blog has washed that fear for me.  Will there be tough times for all of you, yes.  I have even had one negative reaction but it is far outweighed by all the the wonderful comments I have received.  Who can't love that beautiful face!  Every time I look at my pictures of Nate, I fall more and more in love.  April can't come too soon for me!  I am very proud of you and I know that God will be with you every step of this new journey.  Love, Mom" 

Not all parents would respond like this. Not all people would skip past the immediate reaction, our tendency to be defensive or to deny and instead ask God what she could learn from it. Was I accusing her of a negligent upbringing? Of course not. She is an amazing mom and I would not be the person I am today if she hadn't raised me the way she did. I daresay most of my white friends were raised similarly in regards to race, unless they were actually raised with overtly negative racial stereotypes. My hometown was not exactly a bastion of progressive thought and conversation.

I'm so grateful for her gracious response. 

You see, my parents were kids when MLK marched on Washington. They remember Kennedy and MLK being shot and the tumult of the Civil Rights Movement. They were around during the cultural upheaval of the 60's and 70's and sported their fair share of terrifying fashions and mutton chops. But their parents were children of immigrants. Of Irishmen and Italians and Czechs and Jews who had to fight to survive in a new country, who competed for jobs with other minorities of the time. Who had to come up from nothing to raise their children. My grandparents lived through the Great Depression and fought in WWII and Korea. Their world was really different, their world was very overtly racist. 

My parents were the first in their families to go to college. And when it came time to raise a family in the late 70's, they made the decision to do what made the most sense- talk about how there is no difference between white, black, Asian and Latino. That we were all created equal. And they were right, of course. The only language my mother was given for racial conversation was negative- and she chose not to live that or to pass that on. I am so grateful.

My mother may not fear the prejudice our family might encounter. And I don't necessarily fear the words that might come our way. I honestly don't think we'll experience a lot of overt negativity. America likes to pride itself on being post-racial, after all. Progressive. Healed.  

But this is what I know.

It doesn't matter what is actually said or not said out loud to us. I know talking about race with my children will not be enough. I know educating my kids will not protect them. I know one of my sons may be in danger simply because of the color of his skin. The news right now terrifies me. Like, keeps me up at night kind of terrifies me. The Michael Dunn case contrasted against the Michael Giles case and Florida's unequally applied Stand Your Ground laws. Or this crazy list of cases that makes it clear that something as simple as wearing a hoodie or driving in a car with a white girl could get you in trouble. I could post a million links to examples of why racism and unequal treatment still exist in this country. And I know there are people who will say again and again that the above cases have nothing to do with race, but I disagree and stand with those who KNOW that race is exactly what they are about. As a white woman, I've never experienced this type of marginalization and the times I've dealt with overt sexism, I haven't ever been in fear that there is some rampant and societal disregard for the worth of my life. And yes, I realize that even a hundred years ago or living in a different country might make that feeling more of a reality as a woman but in 21st century America, I do not feel endangered. Most of the time I actually feel empowered.

So what do I do with this fear? I join the ranks of parents who know their kids will not get equal treatment under the law. I join the moms who have to worry about someone feeling threatened by my child's skin or cultural background and lashing out and being protected by the law in so doing. My kids will not grow up completely trusting the law like I did. I had no reason not to but they will. I listen to my friends and read and educate myself about the side of America I didn't know existed until college. I join the other white parents of black children who will always feel a sense of helplessness and anger, knowing we can't understand what our children are feeling, wanting to protect them but seeing firsthand the ways our culture is still horrifically messed up. And also knowing that there are people out there who think we shouldn't be their parents in the first place and will look at us as part of the problem.  

But you know what else I do? I run to Jesus. I do. Because otherwise, the fear and the anger, while justified, will eat me up. The stories that I've heard firsthand from friends, the things I have read on the news, these things will threaten to overwhelm me. I need Him to remind me that there is always hope. And in that hope, I pray for change. I pray that our country would wake up. That the deniers would quiet down long enough to actually listen to the real stories of injustice. That the anger and the hurt and the fear would be transformed into change. Real change. Not just change on paper, but change in hearts and attitudes. Change in assumptions. Change in legal outcomes. Change in the schools and the churches and the institutions that perpetuate the ugly. 

And as I wait in hope, I stand in voice with brothers and sisters of all backgrounds and say "When is enough enough?" 

The Colorful Truth

There was a sweet moment today. My seven year old white son wanted to read a book to my 9 week old black son. And he wanted to read "The Colors of Us," a book that helped me first introduce him to the concept of a multiethnic world. It had new meaning for us this morning- he picked out which skin tone was like his and which one was like his brother's. And it was beautiful moment.

Just a few weeks ago we had a conversation about Martin Luther King, Jr. We didn't gloss over what happened to him. We talked about what he stood for and why he matters today and why he was killed. Our son didn't understand why people would hate and murder someone simply for his color and the message he brought. And so the conversation we started several years ago with him continues. Racism exists. He is going to see it. And he is going to see it even more up close because he is going to see his brother experience it. And that will make him more than see it- he will experience it himself.

You see, we started his racial education long before his black brother came home. We started it as soon as he was old enough to understand that there are differences between people, long before we knew if our adoption would bring home a baby of color. Most of us white people don't bother educating our young children about race. We take the "colorblind" road, thinking that if we don't talk about it our kids won't think there is anything different about their friends who look different from them. But the thing is, if we don't actively educate, we can be darned sure someone else is going to actively educate them or, worse, our passivity will be an education in itself. Our white kids will be raised thinking racial conversations are wrong, are racist in themselves. They will fear the deeper conversations that need to happen for true reconciliation. Worse, they might discount that racism exists at all, ignore the stories their friends of color may risk sharing with them. Make no mistake, there are differences between us- the colors of our skin are different, they are beautiful, they are made with purpose and they are in God's image. That is beautiful. Sadly but realistically, because we live in a very broken society, we are treated differently, unjustly, because of them. It's not right, it's not good and I wish it weren't true but to ignore that truth is to invite ignorance.

So our home library will continue to grow. We will read The Colors of Us and Martin Luther King, Jr's biography for kids. We will watch movies whose heroes are not white, movies that mainstream white America have ignored as irrelevent. We will read books with Asian protagonists. We will talk about black history and Asian-American history and Native American and Latino history during more than just the months that our country sets aside for their celebration and we will sing worship songs to God in as many languages and styles as we can master, remembering daily the picture of a diverse heaven in all its perfection. We will put art up around our home that reflects that creational diversity and attend festivals and performances and churches different from my own background. We will remember the sins of our fathers (and no, my family wasn't here when slavery existed but I have benefited from its legacy nonetheless) and will work actively to raise two sons who know they are loved by a God who thinks they are beautiful and of deep worth. God willing, we will raise sons who will have a voice for justice and equality, who will stand up for each other and for the deeper messages of racial reconciliation.

And one more thing. I don't claim to be an expert in any of this. I am learning right alongside my children. I was raised colorblind and it wasn't until my young 20's that I began to think about any of this. I will stumble along the way, I will need gracious and patient help from friends who understand more than I do about all this.

But there is one thing I do know.

If we never say anything, we will only teach them silence. And silence has proven again and again that it can be just as damaging as overt hate.

Lots of Love

You know you're getting old when you find yourself in a discussion over Christmas with your family members and find yourself describing to them the "younger" generation. And don't include yourself in that description.  Just a few days ago, my mother, aunt, husband and I found ourselves marveling over the propensity of those younger than we are to abbreviate everything. Totes. Obvi. Skedge. Presh. All the IM words like SMH, BTW, etc.  The list goes on.  I don't presume to be an expert on all of these and often find myself shaking my head in total bewilderment when I read facebook statuses of those younger than I, completely unsure of what they've even said.

But as we were discussing all this, the following interaction occurred, which made me realize I'm at least doing a little better than the baby boomers:

Aunt: "I thought LOL meant "loads of laundry" for the longest time.  Why were all these people always telling me when they were doing their laundry?"
Mom: "I thought it meant lots of love?" (clear confusion in voice)
Reed: Until when?
Mom: Well, until just now. 

Yes, friends. My mother has been on facebook for several years now and only this past week learned that LOL means laugh out loud. She really and truly thought that her friends were just offering her words of love whenever she wrote something crazy. I love my mom.  Needless to say there was lots of laughing out loud in response to this revelation.  Of course, once you have a conversation like this, you reassign meaning to words. So, the rest of the week we would constantly just grab her arm and sweetly say, "Lots of love, Mom, Lots of love" when she did something funny.

The thing is, though, and I know I'll sound even older writing this next part, I really miss when people spoke in full sentences with actual words. I do. I don't want to have a conversation with somebody that sounds like a text message. I want to be able to understand what people write on their walls. Maybe this means it's time to get out of the college world and hang only with people my own age, but that doesn't really appeal. I love these young people(I may have just sprouted a gray hair saying that last sentence). But I can see why my parents were so frustrated even with my slang when I was a teenager.  It just sounds awful. It really does.  Most likely the number of times my friends and I used the word "like" before we said anything else caused my mom to secretly lock herself in closets and scream her head off to relieve the tension. ("Like, what's wrong mom?")

I realize this is a losing battle in our culture.  I will still stubbornly spell out most of my words when I text. Let's be honest, it's not like shortening my words would somehow magically make me fast at texting anyway- I'm pretty much a lost cause in that area.  I will still read books that use SAT words and most likely cringe when I hear or read the word "presh." Mostly, I will willingly relinquish any membership I have to the "youth" of today and resolutely plant myself alongside my fellow generation x'ers.  Once you're closer to 40 than you are to 20, it's just time.