The Unhiding

6 years ago, I kept secrets.

I didn't cry.

I cringed when someone said it was my turn to "share" my feelings. What feelings, really?

On the outside, life looked perfect.

Newly moved into a lovely town and a beautiful house. Time off from a beloved job for a restful sabbatical. A beautiful preschool boy just starting out in school, learning to make friends and always down for a snuggle. A generous, intelligent husband in graduate school with big dreams ahead. New friends in the making.

Life looked perfect on the surface.

No one could look at me and see the baby we'd lost.

No one knew that when I was in the bathroom stall, I was injecting myself with fertility drugs.

No one knew that once a month, I would descend into despair when our dreams of another child were once again shattered.

I was good at keeping secrets.

So of all the feedback I ever receive about my blog, it is perhaps astounding that it most often revolves around my willingness to be honest, be vulnerable, be real, be truthful.

6 years ago, none of those things could have been said of me.

6 years ago, I was still in hiding.

From time to time, I look back and read something I wrote a long time ago. Something God was teaching me back when the secrets were drowning out God's voice of grace in my life. And I think about how far He has brought me.

The last six years have been one long journey of Unhiding.

Of saying out loud,

"I have lost a baby I will always love."

"I have been through infertility and it is lonely and fearful and silent."

"I know what it feels like to gear all your hopes up for that one moment of truth every month only to know that you have at least 30 days again until you might see a dream realized."

"I know what it is to wait and wait and wait on a dream. To doubt God, to rail at him. To be angry at your own body, your own limitations."

I have said it out loud. And while there was so much fear in the first saying, in every time I pushed "Publish" and waited to see how the honesty would go forth, with each saying and every push, it got easier. It gets easier.

The unhiding.

It's painful. It's not easy to go from a person good at keeping to herself to a person whose life is on display. It's never easy to change. Particularly to change into a person you used to fear becoming.

But every choice, every new life change all comes from this. This process of unhiding. Of baring the soul. Of being honest. Of answering questions. Of knowing that because of your honesty, maybe just one person that day has realized that someone else has been through the same thing.

About a week ago I stumbled on pictures from last fall. Pictures of me laughing and playing at the park with my (now) middle child. At the time, most of God's work of change in me had been on the inside, in the way he had been healing and bringing to light the ugly and redeeming it into something beautiful. And I remembered these pictures because, at the time, I was unwilling to post them. To share them with anyone. I looked haggard and exhausted and dried out and reddened. I felt like the pictures didn't represent who I felt I had become or who I was becoming. And I knew, by my unwillingness to post them, that I still had a long way to go in my unhiding. My struggle with my skin stole the joy from that evening.

So they sat in my files for a year. Forgotten.

Pics from September 2014 (with makeup)

And during this last year, I finally began to make peace with my need to see healing in my skin, to stop the hiding under makeup, to stop talking with my hands held in front of my chin because I was embarrassed at the acne at the age of 36.

For some who know me, the decision to share about my skin journey may have seemed shallow. Or out of character. The decision to then go into "skincare business", which for me is really just offering the same possibility of healing to others, may have seemed even more unlike me.

But for those who know me more deeply, who have followed this blog over the years, maybe it seems in keeping with what the Lord has done. To be able to finally post those old pictures and not care anymore but also to post pictures of a year later and see what God has done in healing my outward skin even as he has continued to heal my inner life. To be able to say that I am now "unhiding" my face. Not wearing makeup to cover it up. Not touching up pictures before I post them. Not finding my joy stolen because I am embarrassed over some pictures. Telling other people about it because I can't keep secrets anymore. I won't.

September 2015 (Makeup free)

October 2015 (Makeup free)

Just being me.

Is God finished with my unhiding?

Never.

This past year, for me, has been a surprise. I didn't see the unhiding going in this direction. But I am thankful over and over that it has. That even though most of you didn't see what I saw (because I was masterful at painting over it for 20 years), God knew that what I saw affected me in my deepest places. And had affected me for too long.

I am so glad I have a God who loves me enough to see the hidden places, to take the dark secrets and bring them to light, not just for my sake but for others who hide, too. And that I have a God who takes the business of healing very seriously.

Diving Into the New

If anyone has read my two posts about finally admitting my struggle with my skin and the amazing success I've had with trying a new product, you'll know that I am not in this because of skin-deep beauty. Like much of the progress in my life, I feel like God constantly has me moving in healthier directions, deep, holistic directions. Healthier expression of emotions, better intentionality in relationships, life-giving parenting strategies, a truer understanding of God and how he works. And yes, a healthier body on the inside and the outside.

I've had some people ask if I was paid to write the post I wrote yesterday. The answer? Nope. I honestly went into using these products with hope and skepticism. I've tried a lot before and while the pictures of other people I was seeing were undeniable, there's always that question: "Will it actually (finally!) work for me?"

I took a big risk and spoke about the journey before seeing major results. And 60 days in, when I saw my pictures next to each other, I couldn't believe it. I'm glad I shared before I knew if it would work but I am also really thankful I've had results.

So, while I have not been paid for anything up until now, that is going to change.

I believe in this so strongly, I believe in any person's decision to try to move forward in healthy ways in his or her life, that as of today I have joined the Rodan & Fields team.

If you had asked me even 3 months ago when I was thinking about using these products if I ever thought I'd be a part of this company, I would have laughed. Me? Sell skincare? Not on your life.

But the invitation to join in on something that has actually been life-changing for me? The invitation to have adult interaction during the week and still be able to frolic in the backyard all day long with my boys this summer? The invitation to some income that I can save for graduate school and to spend on my gardening obsession and my love of DIY projects?

That invitation is too much to pass up right now.

So while this is probably not a forever decision, it fits. When my husband is busy publishing and making connections so we can have a good future with him as a university professor, when my youngest child still needs a lot of hands-on attention, when I am at transitional place in terms of career, this works.

So, friends, if any of you are excited about what you've seen or heard or have a story similar to mine, I'd love to listen and talk and tell you about my story and what I've done. And yes, if you would like to try it, I'd love to help you see if this company might help you, too.

Facing the Results

I am basically a jeans and t-shirt woman at heart. Always have been.

So it's always felt funny to me that I wore as much makeup as I did. I really didn't want to, but I genuinely felt like I had to hide my skin. So, in the mornings, on went the concealer and the foundation. Every day. And every day as I put it on I sincerely wished I didn't feel compelled to use it.

About a month ago I posted a pretty vulnerable admission to my lifelong struggle with my skin. Many people very kindly responded that they didn't see what I see or that they always had thought I was pretty. Interestingly, most of those people were friends I haven't seen in years, friends from back in my high school or college days. Days when I most assuredly was wearing a very thick veneer in their presence. Nonetheless, I am grateful for their responses even if I felt that maybe they were complimenting the covered me. It is never a bad thing to hear a nice words.

For me, though, it was never really about the pretty thing. It was about feeling comfortable in my skin. I never really thought I was ugly, to be honest. I didn't mind how I was put together. I'll never be a model and I'm comfortable with who I am and what I look like. What I was trying to express was how much I didn't like how unhealthy my skin always looked and felt to me. Raw, red, dry, discolored, blemished. I just always felt aware that it was there. And aware that I wanted it to look nicer, but only really being able to make that happen by covering it up. And while my blogging journey the last five years has been about uncovering a lot of the spiritual and emotional things I kept hiding for years, I rarely delved into the physical.

Just recently, I opened up a magazine and saw the title of an article: "Three Rules for Faking Great Skin."

It really sat wrong with me. Probably because that is what I tried to do since I was old enough to be allowed to use makeup. And I'm tired of that being the solution.

I immediately thought, "Wouldn't it be a much better article if it were "Three Rules to Actually Having Healthier Skin?"  But this is what we're sold in terms of body image. Cover up, deflect, hide, buy the right stuff to mask your flaws. Don't actually work towards good change, just make do with what you have and BUY stuff to cover that which you dislike.

One of the reasons I finally shared my struggle was that I really was hoping for a change. Hoping to no longer hide it. To wake up in the morning, wash my face, slather on my sunscreen and then happily chase my toddler around without the worry and bother of makeup. Now, let me say here that I recognize for some that the use of makeup is fun or artistic or creative. Fantastic, I salute you. Possibly I would feel differently if that is what it was for me but for me, it's a hassle. It's a way to fake great skin, a way to feel like maybe no one is going to notice how awful it looks. And for me, I know that's not a healthy reason to be wearing it. So I needed change.

Today, I am posting again my "BEFORE" picture.

Before - January 2015

I have been using these new products for 60 days now and I am very excited to say that as of this week, I am no longer wearing foundation. I am no longer scratching my face because it is itchy and dry. I'm just using a little concealer here and there. I am so much closer to my goal. To feeling healthy and confident in this one area that has plagued me for so long. I never expected results this quickly and am honestly blown away.

Here is my 60 Day picture. Totally makeup free.

And you know what? It's not just that it looks and feels healthier. I feel good. I am not thinking about my skin much during the day. I am not washing my face halfway through the day to apply a new layer of foundation before whatever evening activities I have planned. I am just living. And I am fully confident that by Day 90 I will feel totally ready to achieve my goal - to wake up, wash my face and head out the door in my jeans and t-shirt. Without a hidden face.