Monday, December 7, 2009

Like a Child

I'm sure most parents have said this at one time or another, but having a kid has definitely taught me more about having a childlike faith than any sermon ever could. For those who have read between the blog lines, you might suspect that we've been hoping to have a baby for a long time now. Much longer than we ever expected to. And waiting on a pregnancy is like nothing I've ever had to wait on before.

Last week, in the midst of disappointment, my son and I were on our way to run some errands. As the tears ran down my cheeks, he could tell from his seat in the back of the car that things weren't quite right.

J: "Mommy, are you sad?"
C: "Yes, sweetie, I am sad."
J: "Why are you crying?"
C: "Well, I want a baby and I'm just a little disappointed right now."
J: "Well, Mommy, stop crying, then. God will give you one. And I'll give you a kiss and a hug...when we stop, because I can't reach you right now."

"God will give you one". I've asked, right? Probably every day for a year now I've asked, but I don't know if even one of those days I displayed as much faith as this little boy did in that moment. He wants a baby brother and we've prayed for it. So, it'll happen, case closed. No tears, Mommy, God's on top of it.

For a few days after that, my son would ask me if I was sad anymore, but after my decision last month to stop expecting disappointment and live in expectation, my sadness only lasted a few moments. That day I had a good cry, a concept I've only really recently discovered. That night, a glass of wine. The next day, I moved forward in hope once more and my son happily relinquished his role as comforter. I know that God might not answer this prayer the way that I want Him to and that if He doesn't there will be some hard questions and decisions ahead. I'm alright with that. I'm thankful that no matter what, I've got this little person reminding me that God is faithful and will answer my prayer in the way that I need, even if it's not exactly what I want.

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