When the Ugly Shines

People have been asking me how the waiting is going for our adoption. Given the three years of waiting we've already done in preparation for more waiting, I'd say we're pros. Seriously, if there is one positive thing that infertility teaches you it's how to wait. 

So, here we are, two full months on the waiting list. Our agency hasn't contacted us, other than to send us an occasional article on openness or transracial adoption or the tax credit.  And I've been trucking along quite happily. Sure, there are those moments when I wonder how long this will take and what our story will end up being but for the most part, I've felt very calm about the whole thing.  No one has chosen us yet and that's ok.

Enter last week.  For the first time in this process, I found myself in a conversation with someone who knew of a couple of teenagers who were in a tough situation.  And when I say tough, think of as many rough scenarios that you can think of for a teenager to have to deal with and one or both of these kids were facing several of them.  Unexpected pregnancy, rough family situation, etc.  And as I was listening to their situation, the ugly came out.  Sure, I had a moment of concern for them. Sure, I felt sorry for the situation these kids were in, upset with the state of brokenness in the world that had left them this vulnerable.  But it was fleeting. And then it was all about me.  What about this expected baby? Does he need a home?  Wouldn't we be the perfect parents? Don't we deserve to give this kid a good life? After all, those kids can't raise him well. UGLY.  Ugly because this was pure selfishness coursing through me.  Greed, even.  I could almost understand the stories you hear about desperate wannabe parents who deal on the black market.  The feeling of helplessness in growing your own family can cause your brain to do crazy things.

So, I had to back off and ask for some help for my crazy brain. I had to ask Jesus to help me see these kids in his eyes, kids in need of His love and His redemption and His hope in their situation.  Kids who, for all I know, might make good parents.  I do know it's not my place to judge their capability and greedily lust after their child for my own.  That much is certain.

Is it ok to think about this as a possibility? Sure. Do I have any power in the situation? No.  What I'm committing to is praying. Praying for these two kids and for that baby. Praying that God would overwhelm them with his love during this time of decision and guide them in the way they should go, whether or not it will ever have anything to do with us or any other adoptive parents.  Praying for the health of that beautiful and unexpected child, knowing that God loves him and pursues him more than I ever could as his parent.  

This is the only way to surrender the greed and the selfishness, the ugly.  Otherwise, if I give in to their temptation, I will end up down the road of "I deserve" which is always a dangerous place to be.