Friday, September 30, 2011

Did I Really Just Say That?

Brian Regan, my favorite comedian, does a hilarious bit about the sentences he never imagined he'd have to bring himself to say as a parent.  I find his observations to be true and have also found myself marveling at the sentences I never dreamed I'd hear said by another human being.  The problem with both, I've found, is that one has to keep a straight face while either saying or listening to said lunacy.

For example, here are some of  the things I've had the joy of listening to lately:
"Mom, what would happen if I accidentally ate your boogies?" (and no, I cannot imagine a scenario in which this would have been a legitimate concern for my child)

"Mom, come quick. I found something." (Upon which I enter the bathroom and find my naked child bent in half closely scrutinizing his private parts.) "Look, there's three!" (Attempt at keeping straight face so as to literally not laugh at my child's self-discovery of extra body parts.)

"Why doesn't Henri (our friends' dog) run more? (I explain to child that when animals and people get older they begin to slow down.) "Oh, like daddy?" (Ouch, husband.)

"Mom, where is Megan's baby going to come out of when she's born?" (I explain as gently as possible about the mechanics and anatomy of childbirth) "Mom, that's a really strange place to come out of!"(True thing, buddy.)

And here are some of the ridiculous things I've heard come out of my own mouth, not necessarily in response to the above scenarios, just in general good-time parenting moments.
"If you don't finish your cookie, we can't read a book."
"Please don't climb me." 
"No, we can't go to the store and get a baby." 
"Stop riding the dog!" 
"No, I didn't pee on you when you were born." 

I'm absolutely sure there are hundreds more absurd sentences that I have formed in the name of good parenting. The best thing I can say about all of these moments is that I am very much kept laughing in my home, even when the laughing has to be held in and expressed later so as not to insult my child's very serious scientific inquiries.   Here's to four-year-olds and their natural comedic contributions to family life!


  1. Honest to God, the other day I had to say, "Ryan. Do not put your toothbrush on your penis. That is only for your teeth."

  2. Haha. I have also had to tell my son not to put his toothbrush on his penis. Love boys!

  3. Hilarious! We have also had that convo! In fact, the penis comes up in a LOT of conversations that I would never imagine could be related...the fascination starts early, apparently.